Memories Phan
by helliecopter
Summary: SAD and Bad so don't hate me for this. Actually you have permission to after this so go ahead.


Phil's eyes swarmed with sadness and despair as he watched his best friend and boyfriend for seven years pass in the hospital bed.

'I love you Phil.' Dan said, barely audible. 'And I always will, even in death.'

One long ear-piercing beep and he was gone.

The life drained from his eyes as he stopped breathing for good. 'Daniel.' He said, letting a tear roll down his cheek and onto the hospital floor.

He felt warm fingers on his shoulder, 'I'm sorry for your loss' the nurse said.

It wasn't enough to stop him from hurting as he held the lifeless body's hand.

He squeezed in hope for something in return.

'I loved him.' He stated, never had said that to anyone before.

More and more tears, drowning the floor and the blue chair made of some material that absorbed his tears.

'I loved him!' He yelled, breaking down, letting go of Dan's hand and putting his palms to his face. 'I'll leave you alone for now.' The nurse whispered sadly, shutting the white door with blurry numbers Phil couldn't read due to tears and the fact he needed his glasses.

Dan's eyes were now closed.

Phil will always remember Dan's wonderful smile.

His beautiful laugh.

The warm and wonderful chocolate brown colour of his eyes. The multiple shades of brown of his hair.

He left the hospital, placing a ring with a beautiful diamond in the centre on the table.

Phil decided he couldn't continue making YouTube videos without his best friend by his side.

He wouldn't leave his room or his apartment because everything reminded him of Daniel. He locked Dan's door to keep himself from going in there and crying.

He would stare at Dan's social media accounts, remembering him as he cried.

His last video was on DanAndPhilGames. He was too sad to play without his best friend by his side, so he played no games. Just talked to his audience.

He stared at the camera, eyes sunken in and red from crying. 'Hey, guys.' He said, voice cracking.

Tears threatened to spill as he looked down and continued. 'Dan. Um, he- I can't continue making videos anymore. I'm sorry.' A tear spilled from Phil's eye as he continued. 'Me and Dan, we had a relationship. And we did f-for seven years.' This time, Phil was full-on crying.

He shut down his camera and posted it immediately, not caring what people thought about at all. He didn't bother with editing anymore.

The YouTube comments on his channel filled with piles of questions such as 'where's Dan,' or 'you look terrible Phil, what's wrong?' and multiples saying 'phan is real, we have proof now!' But he wouldn't respond to them.

After weeks, Phil finally decided it was time to clean out Dan's room, since he wouldn't be there anymore. He unlocked the door to Dan's room, still able to smell the scent of chocolate and cinnamon.

He gathered all the important items that reminded him of Dan. Photos of both of them and stored them in a box labeled 'Dan's Things'. He kept them on the highest shelf he could reach, so he wouldn't bring them down again.

Phil's friends all said their condolences and that they were sorry. They also noticed that Phil only wore jumpers or something that covered his arms whenever he was in public. They noticed his wincing when they touched his arm. They didn't think it would've been that bad. Phil sunk into deep depression and lost all contact with friends like PJ or Louise. His family had tried to comfort him but they just lost all hope when he looked at them and they realized they had no hope trying to save him from the pain.

Days, weeks past and Phil still couldn't get over Dan's death. He needed his best friend back.

He couldn't stand the constant silence of the empty apartment. It was a reminder that Dan was gone. He couldn't see his boyfriend beside him, on his phone or editing videos.

He couldn't remember the last time he saw Dan's face in person, laughing and breathing.

He couldn't remember the last time they held hands, fingers intertwined and soft music playing in Phil's head.

When Dan's hand felt soft like feathers and fluff.

When they kissed and Phil felt sparks fly.

When they laughed and smiled at each other, not stopping for anything or anyone.

But he realized he would never be able to share moments like those with him again.

He cried again, unable to stop as they just kept falling.

But he swore he saw Dan sometimes.

In his room, on his bed. He swore he heard him, too. Him calling his name, 'Phil!'. Him saying that he loved him, no matter what. It was all too much to go to his head. His brain was pounding, he couldn't stand the pain. It was much more dull though, because he kept thinking of Dan and him.

His hobbit hair that curled around his face.

The way his eyes shone when he looked at Phil.

The way he only laughed when he was around him.

He remembered their first kiss.

'Phil, I kinda have something to tell you.' Daniel said, nervously twiddling his thumbs and humming something Phil could recognize as one of the many themes to undertale.

'Yeah? Go ahead, I'm listening.' Phil said, turning his head around to face Dan. Dan stood closer to Phil then he ever did and when he pressed his lips against Phil's he was shocked. He never expected Dan to feel the same way. He tasted like sunshine and the moon combined. Like raspberries and chocolate. Like rain and heaven. 'I love you Phil' Dan said, and Phil's response was another kiss and a smile.

The memory was burned inside his mind, and will stick with him everywhere. It only made things worse.

He looked down and tried his best not to cry and to be brave, like his friends told him.

The saddest part was that he was going to propose the next day, in front of an audience, in sync to Dil's proposal. He was going to do it on the radio show he and Dan shared. He was going to do it while they were playing games. He was going to take him to go stargazing at night in the forest, wrapped up in nice blankets after a picnic.

But that car hit him as fast as a lightning bolt and a scream. Dan took Phil on a walk at night to admire the neighbourhood when it was nearly empty. Barely any people roamed the streets at night and it must've been a drunk driver or a teenager just learning to drive by the way they swerved and hit Dan with the side of his car.

Phil just remembered dialling 999 rapidly and nearly ten minutes later an ambulance came to take Daniel to the hospital. The rest was all one big blur. Phil couldn't remember hearing or seeing anything before he heard Dan saying he loved Phil. Before he heard the sharp continuous beep and Dan was truly gone.

He watched memories replay in his mind. Their meeting in October, where they first met in person. Their conversations online. Dan's llama hat and Phil's lion. Their first video: Phil is not on fire and the many videos that came after. The way Dan smiled when he saw Phil in person for the first time used to amazed him.

A ring came from the back of the room. Phil didn't bother to pick it up.

Hours later. The phone rang and kept ringing. It never stopped. Phil finally decided to pick it up because he was very irritated.

'Hello?' Phil said dully.

'Phil!' Someone said weakly from behind the phone. It took a few more words for Phil to finally recognize the voice.

'D-Dan?' Phil asked excitedly, but doubting that it was actually him.

'Y-yeah. I-I'm i-in th-the hos-spital an' I w-want t-to s-see y-y-' Dan said shaking and stuttering.

'Dan! I can't believe it! I'm coming to the hospital right away!'

Phil was bouncing with joy as he grabbed his things quickly and left the flat.

He told the lady at the front desk he wanted to see Daniel Howell. A nurse guided him to the room Dan was in.

Phil's eyes gleamed as he saw that Dan was almost fully healed, besides the scars on his ankle and his chest. His hobbit hair stuck to his face and his brown eyes seemed a little faded, but Dan alive was all Phil needed.

He smiled and laughed as he hugged Dan, squeezing him with all his might. 'How are you alive? I watched you die?' Phil asked, not believing that Dan was in front of him, alive.

'T-the d-d-Doctor br-brought m-me back.' He said, continuing to stutter.

'He has a slight stuttering problem now, but it'll go away soon. We are almost sure of it.' The same nurse from earlier smiled as she left the room, closing the door. Dan laughed slightly and kissed Phil lightly. Phil kissed back.

Dan hugged Phil but was taken aback by Phil's wince.

'P-Phil? W-What's w-w-wrong?' Dan asked, pulling up the sleeve to Phil's jumper and gasping at what he saw. A once beautiful piece of Phil is now sliced and destroyed.

'P-Phil p-please t-t-tell me you d-didn't do this b-because of m-me.' Phil looked at Dan and sighed.

'I did it because I was depressed and wanted to kill myself. I did it because I wanted you back.' He said, crying into Dan's shoulder. Dan couldn't accept the fact that the one that he loves had cut himself.

'Phil, n-no. I can't b-believe y-you, the angel b-bean, the s-sunshine, would d-do such a-a t-thing!' Dan said, voice getting louder at the second. Phil looked down at his feet and tried not to let any tears go down his face. He wanted to seem strong, for Dan. 'I'm sorry Dan.' He apologized as Dan sighed.

'Phil, y-you can't a-apologize f-for making scars o-on yourself- especially if it's for me. You don't d-deserve any o-of this.' He grabbed Phil's hand and continued to force him to look into his eyes.

'I was going through depression, Dan! I was losing myself and wanted to go die! I didn't care what happened to me, I just wanted you back!' Phil explained, unable to control himself anymore. Dan just didn't understand him.

'I'm sor-'

'N-No! All of this is my f-fault, P-Phil! I should've never T-taken you on that walk, I should've paid attention to the road! I should've done b-better things! Hell, it's my fault you c-cut yourself.' He sat back down on the bed and put his hands to his cheeks.

'So sorry is not enough for you? Dan I can't reverse time!' Phil complained but approached the bed and put his arm around Dan. 'Dan none of this is your fault. It's that driver's. Don't blame your-' Phil tried to confront Dan but he was interrupted.

'You d-don't understand, Phil! E-Everything I do goes wrong.' Dan cried and Phil grabbed Dan closer to him. Phil mumbled something softly before leaning his head on Dan's shoulder.

'Huh?' Dan sniffled and wiped his nose.

'I was going to- um- propose to you last month.' Phil spoke louder and Dan smiled.

'I know. I saw the ring.' and grabbed the ring from the nightstand.

'You did?' Phil asked and Dan laughed.

'Phil, you left it on the table, how could I not notice?' Phil replied with a 'oh' and they giggled together, like they used to.

'But Phil, r-really, how am I s-supposed to take what you did lightly?' He asked, lifting Phil's head off his shoulder.

'You can't. I can see that. I know you will never forget it. And this,' Phil pointed to the arm with the rolled-up sleeve.

'is a constant reminder.' He looked at Dan who opened his mouth to speak again.

'Phil, w-why are you crying?' He asked, tilting his head slightly.

'S-sorry. I just, um, I regret everything I did after you died. I think we lost all of our friends too.' He said, looking at Dan as he wiped Phil's tears with his fingers.

'Really? I-I'm sure we could connect with t-them soon, ph-'

'I just have a quick question. Were you really dead for a month?' Phil asked, curious if Dan really was dead for that long.

'No, I-it was weeks ago, I t-think a couple days after you left the hospital. I was just s-scared to call you. That's why all t-this is my fault, P-Phil!' He said, watching Phil get slightly angry, which he barely was in front of Daniel.

'You're saying, you were alive for a month and never bothered to call me?' Phil stood up, resisting the urge to scream at the world.

'Then this is your fault, Dan! I left YouTube! I deleted my social media! Everyone thinks you are dead and you know who's fault that is? Yours.' When Phil explained his feelings of anger, he didn't see how really hurt Dan was when he said that.

'Of c-course it's m-my fault P-Phil. I'm an idiot.' Dan sighed and looked at Phil's eyes. Phil suddenly felt guilty for getting angry at Dan when he was just scared to call him.

'Why? Why were you scared, Danny?' He asked, calming down.

'I was a-afraid you would- um- hate me. I know that's really silly an-' Dan was interrupted by Phil pressing his lips against his. Dan was surprised but kissed back.

'I'm sorry for yelling at you Dan. You know I love you.' Phil sat awkwardly waiting for Dan to at least give some kind of response.

'I love y-you too. Just don't do that again, Ph-Phil.' Dan said after what was at least a minute.

'Don't worry, I won't.' Phil responded with a grin as he hugged Dan once more.

'I don't w-want us to fight. Ever.' Dan said


End file.
